How many people does it take to have a conversation?

Have you ever had the experience when you were talking with someone and yet the other person was doing all the speaking? 

In that situation there is no room for your participation. There is no openness…no empty space…it is completely full with the other person’s talking and their thoughts about what they will say next. And, on the receiving end you may begin to feel tense or frustrated or perhaps your mind begins to wander because you are no longer paying attention to the talking. 

It takes two people to have a conversation. This is true regardless of the type of the people involved…human or horse or any of the more-than-humans. 

Most equestrians say they want a relationship with their horse. And yet having a relationship requires two equal participants. To be in relationship requires actual conversations. 

In my experience most people are not in an actual relationship with their horse(s). Rather, it is just a one way conversation…the human talking to the horse. 

Consider for a moment that the word “talk” refers to a method of communicating information and ideas. For a horse, humans “talk” in a variety of ways. Yes, we talk with the words coming out of our mouths but we also talk with our body language, with the movement of our body, with the zillion thoughts running through our mind, and with our energetic field. 

Humans in general are too loud for horses. We are constantly jabbering at them, telling them what to do, how to move, how fast and when. We poke them with our tools without asking, we move too fast around them, we are constantly in our heads planning ahead while regretting the past or worrying about what has yet to transpire, we entire their space filled with all the static electricity from our day, and we do all this while chatting with our friends at the barn. 

Where is the space for the horse? 

Where is the silence for the human to attune to the horse?

Where is the awareness of how the horse is responding to the human or the environment?

Where is the sense of being present for the human to feel the energy shared in the relationship?

Where is the openness to the need/want of the horse, not just the need/want of the human?

It is usually filled to the brim with human “talking” because there is typically a particular task that the human needs/ wants to accomplish within a particular timeframe. 

My greatest teacher about true conversation comes from Romeo, a 20yo Thoroughbred who lives with us. He demands an equal relationship. He demands an actual conversation. And, he is very direct in pointing out to me when I am “talking” too much and not listening, not creating the empty space for a real conversation. 

The other day I needed to take out an additional hay bag before I left for my client’s barn, so note: I enter in to a conversation in a bit of a time crunch. As I walk out Romeo sees me with the full replacement bag for his empty bag. He comes to meet me. However instead of walking alongside me he blocks my path with his body (communication). I move around him so he quickly swings around and blocks my path from the other side (communication). I touch him on the chest and ask him to move over. He does so with a bit of resistance  (communication) and as I walk past him he pokes me with his nose (communication). At this point I could feel the frustration building in my body along with the thought “Romeo, I just don’t have time for this right now!” (more noise from me) At this point my pace and my energy reflect my growing frustration. I’m thinking about how late I will be and hoping there is no road construction along the way, etc. (Lots more noise from me) as my noise amps up Romeo comes up behind me and grabs my shirt with his mouth (amped up communication). I finally stopped. I put down the hay bag. Became aware of the tension in my body, aware of my breathing. I slowed everything down. And opened up the space. Romeo stepped in and asked for scratching. He needed what felt like a lot of scratching but in reality it was only 2-3mins and then he had enough. I hung up his replacement hay bag and continued on with my day. 

Upon reflection, I wish I had been more immediately present so that I could have responded better to Romeo’s first attempt at communication. It is a good reminder that I still have more work to do. 

“Listening is a very deep practice. You have to empty yourself. You have to leave space in order to listen…This is the practice of peace.” Thich Nhat Hanh

I encourage you to allow for some space, empty space, as you go about your day so that you can enjoy actual conversations with all the people in your life, the human kind or more-than-human kind. 

With heart and in harmony,

Sam